Hello, friends! Hello, enemies! Hello, people about whom I feel indifferent! I hope you had a nice weekend that left you refreshed and ready to dig through the dumpsters with me, your pal (or enemy?) Elinor Jones in this here Trash Report.

Monkey Business

I mentioned this story last week in Good Afternoon, News, but would like to dive more deeply into it: Oregon Health and Sciences University's primate research center was found to have had the most citations for animal welfare violations in the nation. Obviously, I fell down a deep rabbit hole of learning everything about the center. I learned that it houses 4,800 primates and studies such things as "vaccine development for infectious diseases, tuberculosis and West Nile virus and identification of a gene that could aid in the prevention and treatment of alcoholism." I understand this to mean that 1) there are monkeys out there that are filled with various plagues, and 2) some of them are drunk and they're all at a facility that is not keeping their shit tight. Just something to think about at night as I recall the plot of the 1995 disaster movie Outbreak and realize that if I found a loose monkey out and about in Portland, even knowing that it could be infectious or drunk or both, I'd definitely still try to pet it or pick it up, and we, as a society, are kinda doomed.

I mean...

Unrelated to actual monkeys but still categorized as "monkey business" is the following: Jennifer Lopez told People magazine that she was originally slated to be part of the infamous 2003 MTV VMAs performance where Britney Spears and Madonna kissed; J. Lo would have been there instead of Christina Aguilera. She said: "I was filming a movie in Canada and we had met—me, her, and Britney—to do it at her home, and then I just couldn't get off the film... they got Christina Aguilera, I think, to do it." Emphasis mine on the "I think," because that is what makes this art: Are we supposed to believe that she couldn't really remember who else was in that kiss? Why even bring it up almost 20 years later if she's not still fuming that she stayed in Canada to make the movie Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon that nobody remembers, instead of being a part of one of the most iconic moments in pop music history? Mmhmm. Sure, Jen. 

But we still are and forever team #JennyFromTheBlock, especially now that said team includes Jennifer Coolidge:


Happy Anniversary, Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal!

Monica Lewinsky, goddess of grace and professional of publicly restructuring a narrative, penned this great list of "25 Randoms on the 25th Anniversary of the Bill Clinton Calamity" for Vanity Fair. In the piece, she shares some life reflections, but more importantly, gives the middle finger to "Linda 'Judas, Hold my Beer' Tripp" and Jay Leno. This factoid she shared is grotesque: "At the end of Leno's run, the Center for Media and Public Affairs at George Mason University analyzed the 44,000 jokes he told over the course of his time at the helm. While President Clinton was his top target, I was the only one in the top 10 who had not specifically chosen to be a public person." And last month Jay Leno's face caught fire. So like, be careful what you say about Monica Lewinsky! 

This anniversary message is a little bit late, but what are you gonna do, storm my government proceedings? I'm bringing it up now because Portland woman Lilith Saer just last week pleaded guilty for having been a part of the pro-Trump insurrection two years ago. There are pictures of her in the Capitol in which she is instantly recognizable for her bright blue hair in a sea of red MAGA hats and camouflage clothes, and like, girl: What did you think was going to happen?! I'm by no means an expert, but I really don't think that insurrections are the place to try old bold new lewks.

From Spare to Nonstop Overshare

It's been a couple of weeks since Prince Harry's book Spare dropped and most people have heard about most of the juiciest bits of TMI. But now we are addicted to juice. We're thirsty. More juice. More! More! Right? So that's why we have to learn this: 

Black Market Proteins

Portland food cart Fried Egg I'm in Love was recently burgled of their titular eggs. Owner Jace Krause said that the bandit(s) made out with about eight dozen eggs. This is very lame, but also weird—even though eggs are expensive now, it couldn't be more than what, $60? Is there a black market for eggs?

Over in West Virginia, a different restaurant burglary made off with something that is decidedly not sold by the dozen: a place called The Wienerman was robbed of their—you guessed it—titular wienerman. As in, a statue of a man who is also a wiener (smash that link for the visual—you won't regret it.) The theft occurred following a fire, but thankfully, it has since been recovered. Apparently there is no black market for wienermen!

Okay, I'm all done! In honor of our daddy Pedro Pascal, please go out there and be as cool and slutty as you wanna be.

Cool and slutty,